Two Little Letters: B E

 

Happy Twenty Eighteen!!  

What does it mean “to be”? Or for that matter; BE?

I love this from http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/to_be.htm; The Greek sea god, Proteus, was (like the sea) capable of changing form in an instant. In order to get any decent information out of him, you had to grab him and hold on tight while he went through his various forms — lion, wild boar, snake, tree, running stream — it wasn’t easy. The verb “To be” is said to be the most protean of the English language, constantly changing form, sometimes without much of a discernible pattern. Considering that we use it so often, it is really too bad that the verb “To be” has to be the most irregular, slippery verb in the language.

The most irregular, slippery verb.

When the word “BE” came to me this year, as “my ONE word” I was perplexed, and honestly, I still am, because what do I do with a word so open-ended as this?
I ran this morning and walked the beach to cool down (a word that’s impossible living here), and as per the usual, I prayed, because beach- walking and running are ALWAYS my “gettin’ down to business with the Lord” times. I asked God “what does BE mean?” “You gave me this word, and I don’t know what to do with it.”
There are a million things that BE can have an association. I posted a few last week on my Instagram; BE helpful, BE kind, BE available, BE yourself, BE there, BE love, BE the best you, BE all in, BE generous.

I have the strangest feeling I’ll be on quite a ride this year.

IMG_3093For me today, as we start this new year, I know it’s BE accountable. I read this morning; “accountability is something that you must take on yourself. It is the ability to claim your actions as your own and discuss your reasons behind them. It’s natural. Transparent.”

I want to be accountable to my family and friends. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt; I’m in their corner. I’m behind their crazy schemes, and dreams and ideas. I want them to know; I have their back in all circumstances. For the joyous times as well as the messy, ugly, dirty times. It does not mean, however, that this accountability wouldn’t bring with it some tough love, or that it allows room to be a doormat to someone that is in harm’s way. I think in life and in relationships being accountable is tough. Everyone wants to hear the rainbow side of things and not always the “Please don’t go down that road, because there is a cliff at the end” side of things. Being accountable does not mean allowing toxicity or harmful behavior to enter into your life. I’ve learned, I can forgive and love a person from afar without allowing them to poison me but at the same time standing to take the reprimand if I’ve wronged someone.

I want to be accountable to my hubs. (This is SO easy for me) I want him always to know I support him. He has some ideas that I just sit and look at him, blinking wildly, mouth agape, but he knows….I am all in! Always! And to be honest, I’m sure, in fact, I KNOW he sits blinking wildly at me at times at my wild ideas. Talk about two people brought together by the Divine.

I want to be accountable to myself; allowing myself to be kind to my body athletically, nutritionally, sleeping well, practicing yoga, mindful of getting my feet onto the sand and earthing, taking care of my immune system with good food, a lot of water, excellent supplements. I want to read more. (more than I already do) I want to laugh hysterically at something, daily (which is never hard for me. I am well skilled at the art of the belly-laugh ). I want to meet someone new or do a good deed every day, not because someone expects it of me, OR to get the recognition but to just shine a light. IMG_3092 2

My first start was running again after taking a little hiatus. After moving, I had a hard time finding my rhythm. The days are long here (year round 11 1/2-12 hours of sunlight) which is fabulous, but when the parrots are waking you up way too early, and the sun streams in, and it’s 90 degrees already, I couldn’t. I could not get going. I could not take the heat, which I love, usually. I could not tackle the humidity. I could not get used to running in the sand again. I could not keep myself hydrated enough. AT FIRST. I needed some accountability, and even though it’s online, I joined a Strava running group. It’s only a two-week commitment. (For now) But I’m logging my runs again, and have a 2-week goal because sometimes THAT is what you have to do to jump-start yourself. Knowing that my little running community is there, is holding me accountable. And you know what? It’s felt great. Well, it’s still hot as blazes, but after that first day, my body felt so incredibly satisfied. It’s what I’m made to do. Having the accountability to my group is terrific!

I loved and lived my word last year; Intention. Everything I did I tried in earnest to do out of intent and mindfulness, without being held captive to the word. I looked back on my post from last year and some things that popped out after knowing my word was; I want my actions to speak lounder than words, givng my friends undivided attention, surround myself with people on fire for life, being intentional with food and exercise, traveling more, soaking in salt water, have things in my house that are USEFUL and not just becasue “it’s a shiny new thing,” focus on my Creator, really listen to His will for our lives, BE A MAGNET FOR MIRACLES, be outdoors more, and have less TV time, to serve more, take more risks, love fiercly, allow myself to “not try to control the uncontrolable”

IMG_3089 2UMMMM hello! Talk about a year living out my word! IT WAS AN AMAZING YEAR! I saw an IG post a couple of weeks ago that said “Sometimes I just look up, smile and say “I know that was You. Thank you.” It gives me chills because this past year has overflowed with those moments. A smile creeps onto my face. A swifter beat of my heart happens. Chills cover my body. Tears come to my eyes out of nowhere. It’s comforting knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt; this past year has all been because of Him. When I’m able to look back on the year, with the word INTENTION, and the heart that wrote that first blog for twenty seventeen, listening and being open, waiting, and being patient, not rushing the perfect timing of God….. it brought the most unimaginable year into existence.
Before we moved, I was able to spend the most incredible time with friends and family, just soaking in their smiles and words and wisdom and love. I had the honor and privilege to stand up in the wedding of two of the most precious souls I’ve ever known. A friend that I’ve laughed wildly with, have traveled abroad with and have also cried long nights in anguish alongside. A friend that I have prayed on my knees daily for to find love. Isn’t God surprising in the way He hears and answers our hearts? I also got to welcome a new baby with a dear, sweet friend. The miracle of life! I cheered as friends achieved goals, I walked alongside sick friends, praying for healing and they all walked beside me as we got closer to moving. Because as exciting and ready as we were to make this move, there is something about becoming disconnected from your tribe…. I already knew and should have realized that nothing would change or TRULY disconnect us, because friends are friends and love is love,  but on some days I allowed insecurity to seep in where it had no business being.
We became more minimalist, honestly and genuinely taking inventory of our “things,” and boy did we PURGE! We wanted to be in a place and a space that had no excess. What we own is our most favorite, and used for a purpose, daily. We have everything we’ve ever loved, being useful and not sitting on a shelf. We gave away and tried to bless with our excess. We traveled a lot, and salt water soakin’ is a way of life now. Every day my husband says; “let’s get salty!” It washes away so much! We are outdoors, always. Living in a tropical climate EVERYTHING is open air. Not to mention, running, hiking, waterfall chasing, surfing, beach walking. We are outside people and are out a lot. Less TV….easy, and when we moved, our house didn’t have a TV. Take more risks = moving to a foreign country. Not controlling the uncontrollable literally happens on the daily here.
I see now how God walked me (us) through this past year by hand. He prepared the entire way for us. He had moved and was here way ahead of us. I am looking forward to a year of BE. I’m excited and encouraged to see the ways God will flow through and use this word in our lives.

What are you’re terrific moments when you say “I know that was you” What is your word for 2018? Do you do a word, a resolution, an intention? I’d love to hear it! It’s a great confirmation and comfort to me, seeing the past year and how it played out, to know God has us right where He wants us. For this moment. For this season. To be.

Pura Vida

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Tales From the Trail -Red’s Meadows

IMG_5634IMG_5620We traveled 11.75 miles this morning after breaking camp in 5-hours! We were a tad motivated to get to Red’s Meadows. As we hiked, we talked about the upcoming luxuries of SHOWERS. REAL FOOD. CELL SERVICE. Among many, one of the things this trail has lended me was to absolutely and constantly be thankful for the little things. As I paid the $15 for 15 minutes of clean water in an actual shower I considered people who do not have this option and how easy it is to take for granted. I couldn’t believe the MUD that rolled off of me and down the drain. Serious filth! Even though I was bathing daily in whatever body of water was available to us each evening, it just didn’t compare to a warm, clean, shower. How much this relates to Jesus! I would’ve paid $100 for this luxury. We laughed! Us girls. We all three went into the shower at the same time, finding three empty stalls and as we plopped our tokens into the coin operated machine and stepped in, we laughed! Hard! We stood under the rush of warm water and felt like pampered princesses and REALLY felt clean! We didn’t shave the entire trip. It was our pact. The feeling of wanting to now was SO incredibly overwhelming. It was part of the journey and being all in. We may be clean princesses but we are hairy! And so was our dude! His facial hair was reaching epic proportion! For me, this shower washed so much more than dirt away. It washed away my bad attitude from the days before, it washed away feelings of guilt over decisions I have made, expectation I’ve placed on myself and ones that have been put there by others, it washed away things I’ve been holding on to that needed desperately to be let go of, past hurts, pride issues, being judged, negative feelings, mistakes, times in my life that I fell apart, fear, the mess of the last year and the dirt of the past…..It all ran down the drain in a puddle.

Red’s Meadows is such a great place. Magical. The gathering place for all wanderers just outside of the beautiful Mammoth Lakes/Devil’s Postpile area. IMG_5630Full of wonderful, backpacking, happy people. It’s no wonder I loved it! (“My People” as my hubs refers to them) We quickly recognized some of our trail family. Those we’ve met along the way, and continue to see on the daily. Leap- frogging along, but always ending up camping alongside each night. Our Slovakian’s whom we met WAY back on Glen Pass; two buddies hiking together, one of them barefoot. Tony, our dreadlocked farmer, who gave up an organic farm to hike the JMT, and of course the sweet 50th-anniversary couple, Brooks and Rita. We all filtered in little by little to the showers, the Mule House Cafe (that had the BEST cheeseburgers, fries, and fruit pie on the planet, ON THE PLANET!) and little general store that held our resupply. Interestingly enough, none of us rushed for our resupply. We opted instead for a shower, food, beer and hanging in the sunshine talking with other hikers…. in that order. We met Sam, a guy from the UK who is hiking the PCT. He is 3 weeks from finishing his 6-month journey and even though I have suffered some pretty rotten things out on this trail, I yearn for the opportunity to hike the PCT at some point. I was a little jealous. We talked to 2 women hikers from Maine that were having issues with sleeping bags. They were freezing at night and were asking opinions from everyone about new sacks that they were considering purchasing in Mammoth Lakes. We met a group of 4 women hiking together that were sharing a jar of queso dip and chips from the store. HEAVEN! We listened to the stories of fun and laughter, of animals, of heartbreak, of spiritual journeys, of blisters and sprained ankles, of sleeping COLD, of favorite and least favorite passes, the stories of their journeys and what brought them out here in the first place. I was happy to see so many solo-female hikers, and Ladies of the JMT (all of us wearing our blue bandanas on our pack to signify who we were) I was fascinated by these people and their stories and just wanted to take it all in! Sometimes I thought; man we must have a screw loose to do this, to want this, to enjoy (to some extent) the suffering of almost a month in the wilderness. The isolation, being dirty, being in the complete silence, the remoteness…but then I realized…Nah, it’s passion. It’s passion that drives this and every. single. one. of. us.  has. a. story.

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This was some DANG good coffee!

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With our “Slovakian’s” Igor (who hiked most of the trail barefoot and Jakob (Jakub)

We picked up our resupplies from the little general store and sifted through the contents. I dug….WAY down to the bottom for my note, but quickly saw that Greg had added a few other goodies to this bucket. A can of Pringle’s (oh sweet Jesus) about 5 lbs of Starburst, blister care items (first aid) and a few bottles of Fire Ball. That man knows exactly what I need even from thousands of miles away and not hearing from me in over 10 days! This would be our last resupply. My last note. The last little bit of correspondence until we finish this out. It excited me as much as it grieved me. It was bittersweet in several aspects and as happy as I was to be finishing up this incredibly, epic experience, I was deeply SO saddened at the same time.

My note to myself.

Paula,

Wild Mama, just because you cried today doesn’t make you weak, Allow the tears to come and wash your spirit clean. You’ve come a long way baby! You’re at Red’s Meadows. Reflect on where you have come from and where you’re heading. Continue to celebrate all that lies within you. God has created in you and adventurer, a lover of nature and of stars and extraordinary views. This is why you’re out here. Breathe it all in. You are stronger than you ever give yourself credit. Keep it up, badass warrior! Thanks be to God. Remember, you planned well and are ready for the next few days to the finish!IMG_1659

And from G.

Look at you, Lady! Wow! Bad-assery in its truest form. Your body is probably a little beat up and tired, but that’s ok. Better this than a lump on the couch. Embrace it all! You can make it this last stretch, dig in and remember, LOOK UP! Hopefully, you remember me at the end of this. I will be the guy standing with a cold beer, a super-soaker, and a razor. Ha-Ha! I love you, G

I roared with laughter as I read this. Along with his funny note, and myriad of additional goodies, he had packed the baggies of my re-packaged dehydrated meals (yes RE-PACKAGED because weight is EVERYTHING when it’s on your back) and had renamed a few for me, which brought some great laughter around our little Jet Boils as we cooked dinner at camp.IMG_5623

We had to say goodbye to Red’s Meadows  in the morning and start our way up Donahue Pass. It was hard leaving. We ate an AMAZING breakfast with WAAAAY too much coffee from a pot. Donahue is a big pass with 23-ish miles to the top. It’s long and gradual reaching 11,703 feet. We camped part way up around the Shadow Lake area. We had decided to bite this last section off in chunks. This was a gorgeous camp, with a waterfall right outside my tent door. (and for me, besides sunrises and sunsets, waterfalls rank HIGH up on the food chain of gorgeous-must-sees for me. I LOVE them) I climbed to the top of the falls and spent some alone time with God thanking Him for his creation, for His love for us through his creation. The beauty here and along this entire journey has been unsurpassed. I thanked Him for the opportunity of being out here, for His healing on my feet and body. I thanked Him for my hiking partners and keeping us all healthy (for the most part.) and safe. Out of the four of us, we had one common thread before going into this hike….our dude! K and I knew one another, but not to the depths that we did now. J and I met the day she, K and her hubs picked me up in San Bernardino to head to Lone Pine. Talk about really putting your faith into your hiking partners. So for us to make it this far with only a few small scrapes and bumps along the trail (so to say) I think I was in good company. I was so thankful for their underserved patience, and their inspiration, and kindness. I know we all had days where the raw emotion was high and we wanted to scream at one another, but in the end, we showed love, appreciation, devotion, fortitude, humility, mercy and grace. We showed friendship.  I was so grateful for that. Complete and utter favor in the most extreme conditions Their compassion was incredible. I know full well that some days, probably most days, I was deserving of NONE of it!

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That one day that J fell and K had to bandage her up with a Maxi-Pad!!

I took a deep breath as I climbed into my tent and into my mummy, the cascading sound of the falls outside the door making me dizzy with relaxation and tiredness. It had started to rain and we all retreated to our tents early. The daylight still lingered. I sat up and re-read the note from G and giggled. He has the greatest way of always making me and those around him laugh! He would love this spot. I cannot believe this journey is almost ending. I didn’t want it to. It had changed me in some pretty profound ways already. What would going home be like? What would matter to me that hadn’t before? What things would I cherish more and what would I no longer need or care to have? Would I want to go home and buy a Tiny House in the woods after living in Big Agnes for the past 3 1/2 weeks? What would I appreciate more and find unnecessary? What would food and water taste like? Different? Possibly. I do know the need to see my family was so colossal. To breathe them in deeply was all I wanted. That, and to lift and inhale the sweet, dirty, earthy, grass-smell of my puppy’s paws. (this is something her and I do several times a day) Those things that on a daily we become so accustomed to, that are so ordinary at times, that never will be again. They just can’t be.

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Start my JMT journey from the beginning HERE 

Merry Everything and Happy Always

image3Who doesn’t love a fresh start?

As the clock rolled over into another new year, we were surrounded by love, laughter and friendship, good food and champagne. I took a brief moment, almost as if I was standing outside and looking in, to take it all in. I saw a lot of happiness. I saw a lot of joy! I heard conversations. Heard screams of cheer and saw fireworks. I always seem to get nostalgic and semimetal in the New Year. I have always loved talking and thinking about the past year. It’s lessons. It’s losses. It’s new and second chances. What great things happened, how far we’ve come and what we have to look forward t0.

The hubs and I had one last official date of the year on the 30th. In a restaurant full of people, I love that somehow it can still be only us. A hundred people swirling around us and it’s simply he and I. Alone. We talked about the incredible year we had. A BIG year! A graduate. A lot of travel. The sell of a house. A move. A new career move.

Starting it off we had our last baby child gradate high school. That in itself was huge! Empty-nesters.

You know when you’re just starting out and you’re building your family…that word seems like an eternity away and then one day you wake up, and you’re there. It. Goes. By. So. Quickly.

image6Over the years of our life, he and I have had dreams and goals. We’d talked often about life after our chicks were gone and out of the nest. I am grateful and thankful that we have remained a constant with one another. Best friends who have grown up and grown closer over the years of raising a family. Always putting God first, then one another, then our family. We will no longer have carpools, school calendars, dance recitals, swim meets, football games, gymnastics meets, ski club, co-op, homeschooling, trips to craft stores for projects, teacher meetings and the mountain of other actives that accumulate while raising kids. What would life be like when it’s not full of running errands and helping with homework? We dreamed, he and I. We always have. We made goals. We looked forward to the future, all the while LOVING the time raising our kids, but looking forward to that chance to become just a couple again, someday. Isn’t it fun to dream with your spouse? To reach in and pull out one another’s heart and examine it? As we stepped into 2016, we knew that time was upon us. We did it! We celebrated our success at raising the last of our three kids to adulthood.

One of the plans was to sell our big house and downsize. After all….we would both rather collect memories, not things. Travel more and not be tied down to a house that is way too large for two. Not to mention maintenance; lawn care, snow removal. Not our thing. We’ve always thought there are better ways to spend our time. Mission accomplished. The move was tumultuous to say the least. The binging and purging was taking way longer for us than expected. We both felt as if while we were paring our house down, we were paring our life down. Letting go of “things” was so refreshing and it allowed for evaluation of every single aspect of our life.

image1After my JMT trip, I had already come back a changed person (more when I continue that post) I came back ready for change, ready to purge…everything. I had lived 3-weeks out of a tent and backpack. I had nothing but time to process unwanted garbage out of my life. When I returned I had a new focus and new zest for life, that when shared with the hubs, motivated him just the same. He didn’t need to be out in the wilderness to catch everything I was getting at. Taking 6 days to drive the coast after that trip was the best debrief I could’ve asked for. I shared my journaling with him and it came as NO SURPRISE that he and I were both on the same page. LET IT GO!! A fresh start was about to take place. The move….well, it was just the icing on the cake. It sealed the deal that everything we had talked and dreamed about all these years, was about to break free and come to fulfillment.

Our words for last year were Patience and Prepare. Every year instead of resolutions, we wait and listen for ONE WORD. Isn’t it just like our God to give us those two words? Patience and Prepare. WOW! Our ENTIRE year was lived out and based on the fulfillment of those words. I learned patience like I’ve never had before. Through all of my training and racing last year, through injury and sickness, I HAD to be patient with myself, with my body, with my health. Hiking days on end for long hours in the Sierras instills patience like I’ve never encountered. Selling a house…pushes it to the brink. But I knew that God had prepared me/us for all of it.

During the process of moving, we took the advice of those friends who have gone through the same thing. The ones who have dreamed big and had those dreams become reality, some selling their homes to travel and live by RV, some selling and moving different states to chase the sun and some who sold homes to live their dream of living on a boat. Talk about having to purge! We loved the encouragement. Loved the inspiration! The purging became so much more to us than getting rid of our stuff. I literally became clearing out EVERYTHING we felt was holing us back, holding us down, holding us hostage. Baggage. The trunks dragging behind that were getting too heavy to haul. Bad, unhealthy relationships, bills, toxic unauthentic people in our lives, old unforgiveness, walls that were built over time, that needed climbed over or broken down, unhealthy eating and drinking, missed workouts and missed opportunities, resentments. You name it, it was flushed out. God worked on our hearts as a couple and individually. He guided and showed us the way. And when it was done…..we felt a whole new sense of freedom. We felt …. Light. And as 2016 slipped away and 2017 came flowing in God whispered my word for the year: Intention. Be intentional.image2

image4Living with intention to me means, to live with purpose. To continue to foster the REAL in me, verses what people want of me. Live deliberately. Instead of thinking “I don’t have time” really evaluate if it is a priority, and move on from there. And if it’s not, to not allow guilt of any kind creep in. I want my actions to speak more than my voice. I want to be intentional with friends, giving them the undivided attention they deserve while we are together. I want to surround myself with people on fire for life. I want to be intentional in my food choices, my exercise, and the time spent doing the things I love: traveling with my hubs and soaking in salt water. I want things in my home to have a use and a meaning, not just “because its shiny” I want to wake up each morning with my aim focused to my Creator, to listen to what He has in store for me. I want to be a magnet for miracles and notice them everywhere, every day. I want to continue to notice the beauty and abundance that’s all around me. I want to dig deeper and deeper into the Word of God. I want to be intentional in my relationship with my hubs, honoring and respecting him everyday and being acutely aware to his needs and interests and fanning those in him. I want to believe good things are happening everyday. I want to be intentional to giving, to doing everything with a good heart and expecting nothing in return. I want to inspire others in my walk with God. I want to watch less TV and be outdoors more. I want to drink more water. I don’t want to “settle” for anything, realizing life is short and fleeting. I want to NOTICE more. I want to journal and pray more. I want to serve more and be aware of others needs. Spend time with those I adore.image5 I want to take more risks and love fiercely, even if others can’t return that love. I want to let go and let God, knowing I cannot control the uncontrollable. I want to soak in the knowledge that each day starts with new grace and fresh mercy.

This journey into a new year will be radical. Exciting and challenging! I already know it will be filled with more joy than we will know how to contain. Join me in raising a glass, to your ONE word, to your resolutions, to your new year, new you, new career, new marriage, new baby, new chapter or maybe even a whole new book. Get excited!  Flip the page.Processed with VSCOcam with p2 preset