Restore Me

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What a year it has been! I spent the last year with BE ruminating in my mind. That was my word for 2018. I am so not into New Year’s resolutions. Never have been. But what I DO, is pray. Pray for a WORD, a word to focus on and to set me on fire. To fix my heart on intentions, meaning, and hope. Don’t get me wrong, though, I am not bashing on resolutions, and I think they work for many. I think sometimes we get so off course during a year that giving yourself a resolution is incredible! It creates a fierceness in you: a determined heart and a purpose. I am, however, about goals. The type that allows growth but is not over-reaching and unattainable, so that you set yourself up for failure. Pliable goals that move and flow over the year. Some quick and some that are going to require some hard work. Maybe repairing a relationship, running a 5k, picking up an old project you were frustrated with or picking up a discarded passion that you allowed to fall away for whatever reason.

Last year was the year of “BE,” and I have been put to the test. Two thousand eighteen was an unbelievable year! In 2017 we had decided to sell off, donate, bless others with our excess and pack up and move out of the country. We dedicated to a full year. The year brought so much growth, challenge, joy, change, and transformation to both G and I. It was pretty magical, and we learned a lot. We learned that things are indeed never in our control. Something that sometimes both of us struggle with, obviously, because we continue to be challenged on this. We were blessed in a multitude of ways that we never imagined. We learned to BE more present and trust more. We learned that being comfortable and BE-ing comfortable means entirely two different things. We learned to BE more gracious and more thankful. We learned that to BE content doesn’t mean materially or always easy. We learned to BE more patient and to navigate problems without allowing annoyance to slip it’s ugly fingers in.

Going into this year as I nestled down my heart to await my word, I was excited! I was also exhausted and frustrated. We knew the time G and I had spent apart due to his career was not working well. Although living abroad, he had a lot of travel to the States. More than we anticipated. We knew that my complete retreat from racing and triathlon was not working. Coming off of several years of constant competition and endorphins to “hammocking” was not feeding my soul and my inner fire.
I prayed for a few months for my word, and just like always, in the early, dark hours of the morning while lying in bed, it was there on my heart.

Restoration.

res·to·ra·tion
/ˌrestəˈrāSH(ə)n/Submit
noun
1.
the action of returning something to a former owner, place, or condition.
synonyms: repair, repairing, fixing, mending, refurbishment, reconditioning, rehabilitation, rebuilding, reconstruction, overhaul, redevelopment, renovation; informal rehab
“the restoration of derelict housing.”

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This is always the part of the story that gets me excited because I never know where these words will lead. I always look forward to the transformation that they bring each year. I love that it gives me something to focus on and center myself on. Pray about and REALLY listen.

Restoration/Restore can mean a million different things. We do know we both love living abroad. We both agree that we are still dedicated to that. We are both wild-gypsy souls with an unquenchable amount of wild and wanderlust. We know that beyond the shadow of a doubt had we not decided to move, we would’ve regretted it later on. We are still happy we leaped when a lot of people would instead remain comfortable in their box. We know that no matter what, we will usually always take the road less traveled. We will never take things for granted and never say no to an opportunity. We won’t “live the same year 75 times and call it a life.” Travel, seeing other countries, visiting places in your own country, meeting people, exploring, eating foods that are questionable (HAHA) smelling, tasting and feeling the pulse of new areas, we think, intensifies the richness of your life. You realize how small you are on this vast globe. You learn a lot about adaptation and resilience. You learn there are a million paths to happiness, and none of them look the same.

img_3408So we start over. A new year. A new word. A further purpose. A fresh new love. New expectations and possibilities. New promises to lean in to. New vistas. With a renewed sense of wonder and curiosity and a fully open heart for RESTORATION, whatever that is going to look like. Ready to flip the flow (thanks Pastor Steven) Laying everything down for an inspired and passionate start line with a fresh eagerness and inquisitiveness for two thousand nineteen.

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Two Little Letters: B E

 

Happy Twenty Eighteen!!  

What does it mean “to be”? Or for that matter; BE?

I love this from http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/to_be.htm; The Greek sea god, Proteus, was (like the sea) capable of changing form in an instant. In order to get any decent information out of him, you had to grab him and hold on tight while he went through his various forms — lion, wild boar, snake, tree, running stream — it wasn’t easy. The verb “To be” is said to be the most protean of the English language, constantly changing form, sometimes without much of a discernible pattern. Considering that we use it so often, it is really too bad that the verb “To be” has to be the most irregular, slippery verb in the language.

The most irregular, slippery verb.

When the word “BE” came to me this year, as “my ONE word” I was perplexed, and honestly, I still am, because what do I do with a word so open-ended as this?
I ran this morning and walked the beach to cool down (a word that’s impossible living here), and as per the usual, I prayed, because beach- walking and running are ALWAYS my “gettin’ down to business with the Lord” times. I asked God “what does BE mean?” “You gave me this word, and I don’t know what to do with it.”
There are a million things that BE can have an association. I posted a few last week on my Instagram; BE helpful, BE kind, BE available, BE yourself, BE there, BE love, BE the best you, BE all in, BE generous.

I have the strangest feeling I’ll be on quite a ride this year.

IMG_3093For me today, as we start this new year, I know it’s BE accountable. I read this morning; “accountability is something that you must take on yourself. It is the ability to claim your actions as your own and discuss your reasons behind them. It’s natural. Transparent.”

I want to be accountable to my family and friends. I want them to know beyond a shadow of a doubt; I’m in their corner. I’m behind their crazy schemes, and dreams and ideas. I want them to know; I have their back in all circumstances. For the joyous times as well as the messy, ugly, dirty times. It does not mean, however, that this accountability wouldn’t bring with it some tough love, or that it allows room to be a doormat to someone that is in harm’s way. I think in life and in relationships being accountable is tough. Everyone wants to hear the rainbow side of things and not always the “Please don’t go down that road, because there is a cliff at the end” side of things. Being accountable does not mean allowing toxicity or harmful behavior to enter into your life. I’ve learned, I can forgive and love a person from afar without allowing them to poison me but at the same time standing to take the reprimand if I’ve wronged someone.

I want to be accountable to my hubs. (This is SO easy for me) I want him always to know I support him. He has some ideas that I just sit and look at him, blinking wildly, mouth agape, but he knows….I am all in! Always! And to be honest, I’m sure, in fact, I KNOW he sits blinking wildly at me at times at my wild ideas. Talk about two people brought together by the Divine.

I want to be accountable to myself; allowing myself to be kind to my body athletically, nutritionally, sleeping well, practicing yoga, mindful of getting my feet onto the sand and earthing, taking care of my immune system with good food, a lot of water, excellent supplements. I want to read more. (more than I already do) I want to laugh hysterically at something, daily (which is never hard for me. I am well skilled at the art of the belly-laugh ). I want to meet someone new or do a good deed every day, not because someone expects it of me, OR to get the recognition but to just shine a light. IMG_3092 2

My first start was running again after taking a little hiatus. After moving, I had a hard time finding my rhythm. The days are long here (year round 11 1/2-12 hours of sunlight) which is fabulous, but when the parrots are waking you up way too early, and the sun streams in, and it’s 90 degrees already, I couldn’t. I could not get going. I could not take the heat, which I love, usually. I could not tackle the humidity. I could not get used to running in the sand again. I could not keep myself hydrated enough. AT FIRST. I needed some accountability, and even though it’s online, I joined a Strava running group. It’s only a two-week commitment. (For now) But I’m logging my runs again, and have a 2-week goal because sometimes THAT is what you have to do to jump-start yourself. Knowing that my little running community is there, is holding me accountable. And you know what? It’s felt great. Well, it’s still hot as blazes, but after that first day, my body felt so incredibly satisfied. It’s what I’m made to do. Having the accountability to my group is terrific!

I loved and lived my word last year; Intention. Everything I did I tried in earnest to do out of intent and mindfulness, without being held captive to the word. I looked back on my post from last year and some things that popped out after knowing my word was; I want my actions to speak lounder than words, givng my friends undivided attention, surround myself with people on fire for life, being intentional with food and exercise, traveling more, soaking in salt water, have things in my house that are USEFUL and not just becasue “it’s a shiny new thing,” focus on my Creator, really listen to His will for our lives, BE A MAGNET FOR MIRACLES, be outdoors more, and have less TV time, to serve more, take more risks, love fiercly, allow myself to “not try to control the uncontrolable”

IMG_3089 2UMMMM hello! Talk about a year living out my word! IT WAS AN AMAZING YEAR! I saw an IG post a couple of weeks ago that said “Sometimes I just look up, smile and say “I know that was You. Thank you.” It gives me chills because this past year has overflowed with those moments. A smile creeps onto my face. A swifter beat of my heart happens. Chills cover my body. Tears come to my eyes out of nowhere. It’s comforting knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt; this past year has all been because of Him. When I’m able to look back on the year, with the word INTENTION, and the heart that wrote that first blog for twenty seventeen, listening and being open, waiting, and being patient, not rushing the perfect timing of God….. it brought the most unimaginable year into existence.
Before we moved, I was able to spend the most incredible time with friends and family, just soaking in their smiles and words and wisdom and love. I had the honor and privilege to stand up in the wedding of two of the most precious souls I’ve ever known. A friend that I’ve laughed wildly with, have traveled abroad with and have also cried long nights in anguish alongside. A friend that I have prayed on my knees daily for to find love. Isn’t God surprising in the way He hears and answers our hearts? I also got to welcome a new baby with a dear, sweet friend. The miracle of life! I cheered as friends achieved goals, I walked alongside sick friends, praying for healing and they all walked beside me as we got closer to moving. Because as exciting and ready as we were to make this move, there is something about becoming disconnected from your tribe…. I already knew and should have realized that nothing would change or TRULY disconnect us, because friends are friends and love is love,  but on some days I allowed insecurity to seep in where it had no business being.
We became more minimalist, honestly and genuinely taking inventory of our “things,” and boy did we PURGE! We wanted to be in a place and a space that had no excess. What we own is our most favorite, and used for a purpose, daily. We have everything we’ve ever loved, being useful and not sitting on a shelf. We gave away and tried to bless with our excess. We traveled a lot, and salt water soakin’ is a way of life now. Every day my husband says; “let’s get salty!” It washes away so much! We are outdoors, always. Living in a tropical climate EVERYTHING is open air. Not to mention, running, hiking, waterfall chasing, surfing, beach walking. We are outside people and are out a lot. Less TV….easy, and when we moved, our house didn’t have a TV. Take more risks = moving to a foreign country. Not controlling the uncontrollable literally happens on the daily here.
I see now how God walked me (us) through this past year by hand. He prepared the entire way for us. He had moved and was here way ahead of us. I am looking forward to a year of BE. I’m excited and encouraged to see the ways God will flow through and use this word in our lives.

What are you’re terrific moments when you say “I know that was you” What is your word for 2018? Do you do a word, a resolution, an intention? I’d love to hear it! It’s a great confirmation and comfort to me, seeing the past year and how it played out, to know God has us right where He wants us. For this moment. For this season. To be.

Pura Vida

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Tales From the Trail -Wash Your Spirit Clean- Muir, Seldon and Silver Pass

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Hooray! We made it up and over Muir Pass! We sat and marveled inside the Muir Hut for quite some time. It’s a great gathering place for hikers and we talked to people hiking the PCT and JMT from all over the world. The trail will be a cake walk from here. HA! We still, despite my desire, haven’t seen any bears. I am hoping as we get closer to Yosemite that we will.

fullsizerenderI had so many conversations with God today. Layers continue to peel that I hope to share, but honestly, some are SO personal, so intimate that I’m not sure it would be entirely appropriate for a blog. I acknowledged and allowed God full control in healing some pretty deep-rooted hurts in me. One thing I know, I need to be more discerning with people and my tribe. Years and years of feeling that I didn’t measure up when I was younger and feeling the need to people please always opens me up to relationships that I really should be more discriminatory about. I have learned to be better, but every-so-often I get unexpectedly involved. I love too hard and oftentimes can get caught up in a little too much drama, too much stress, too much emotion, and crisis. I am natural “fixer” I want to fix the problem, fix the outcome, fix a saddened friend, fix, fix, fix, to the point of exhaustion. That’s a by-product of the constant need to feel that I was enough in my younger years. Sometimes wanting to help and fix is a great quality to have but I can also become a magnet for the passive aggressive. As God rolled this out for me and I saw the scenarios play out in my mind, I realized He is the only fixer. “Send them my way,” He whispered. I only need to be praying daily, and allow their burdens to become his. That’s it! I cannot “be” a better friend than that! Of course I’ve known this, but sometimes God needs to really give me another nudge.  Before this trip, I had a conversation with someone, who had shared that they felt I wasn’t being a good friend to them. I love the honest, real conversations I can have with the people I love. I only look for authenticity. Transparency. I don’t shy away from difficult conversations and in fact encourage them because I feel like they grow you. Communication is key in all relationships and when you love someone you cannot be closed off to the difficult and messy. Speak the hard things in love and ask for discernment. You’re always better on the other side. You learn things about yourself that maybe you don’t see and learn things about others as well. How can you have an honest, pure, genuine relationship without it? I appreciated the freedom as they spoke to me, but I immediately wanted to fix the situation. To be better. To do better. God showed me that sometimes that’s just impossible. My best is my best is my best, and sometimes it isn’t about me. I can only be the person and friend I am capable of being, that He created me to be and sometimes that’s not going to cut it for some. What I know is that is perfectly ok. I am completely incapable of filling the void sometimes. Does that sting? Yes! As a recovering people-pleaser, that can bite, but I cannot fix everything. I cannot fix broken family members, heal broken/unloving marriages, joyless relationships, un-met dreams, hurt from abuse, hurt from abandonment, the deep, sadness from a lack of feeling unloved, bitter minds, unforgiveness or feelings of feeling less-than. That’s where God steps in for those who are willing. That’s why HE is God and we are human. WE NEED HIM! He is the balm that heals what’s broken in all of us. He steps in and fills the cracks, fills the holes and fills the soul. He does what I am completely incapable of doing.

Many miles passed today and mile after mile I felt like I was coming undone. Unravelling. God was so real and so present everywhere as we camped at Evolution Lake, my second favorite of the trail. The way the sunset bounced off the walls of this canyon onto the water was so spectacular! It was like a painting. I marveled as reds turned to pinks and purples then greens and blues, at the way the mountains took shape under the water as if they were admiring themselves in the reflection and as the stars appeared how hugely magnificent they were. They shot out, bold in the black sky, so close as they reached out their light towards the earth putting on a show to all those laying below to see.

The next morning we stopped at MTR (Muir Trail Ranch) for our resupply. What fun place! We loved all of the hiker buckets, 5-gallon buckets FULL of items that hikers have left behind or didn’t need anymore. They lined the bench and were labeled according to what was inside. Sunscreens, books, MRE’s, oatmeal, peanut butter/Nutella, oils and spices, granola bars, tuna. You name it, it was there for the taking. Like Christmas morning gifts. As I looked through them and gave some of my own resupply for the cause I was SO tempted to take the FULL jar of Nutella. Seriously? An entirely, full, unopened jar! I still wish I would’ve, but pack weight is everything, and a full jar of Nutella, c’mon, really? I battled that one out for a good 30 minutes as we refilled our bear cans with our cache that we had mailed in the weeks before. I still hadn’t had that much of an appetite and had ALOT to get rid of. Maybe the Nutella would make the cut… I opted for a few extra packets of Justin’s Peanut butter. Much smarter! And quite frankly for me; dip anything in peanut butter and I’ll eat it!

At this point of our hike, I was starting to feel like a fish out of water. Hiking styles vary by person, and on a hike this long you learn to adapt to your crew. I am much more lenient, savor nature, beauty, sounds, breathe and smell the air, taste, swim in lakes, waterfalls, and streams, dunk in the natural hot springs type of hiker. “Chase the butterfly!” I stop, take pictures and am captivated by God’s blessing of this gorgeous Earth. I get completely emerged and caught up in the beauty, I rarely keep to an agenda, other than getting to camp by nightfall. I knew God was working on my patience, my willingness to bend for others, my capacity and compliance to endure and yield to others plans, especially when in a group. I was grateful for that but had a few times that I felt a little joyless. Things happen while you’re on a through hike. People get tired, they get overheated, things break, they’re hungry, dehydrated, muscles hurt and frustrations on this particular day were at an all-time high. What a valuable lesson to all of us, that things, OFTEN if EVER go the way they are planned on a trip like this. You bend and lean in, and adapt and go with the flow. You have to, or you break. Even so, just being out here, doing this, living this dream that has been nestled in my heart since…forever, was amazing. I was grateful! I was grateful for all of it. The hard days, the tiredness, the lessons, the leaning into the uncomfortable. I was completely thankful for friends doing life together through the good and bad and in the end loving one another enough to pass the bumps in the road. I was grateful for a husband that appreciates our together dreams as well as the wild dreams of his crazy wife. I was grateful that he encouraged this! Applauds my wild! Inspired me, prayed for me, and talked sense into me on my lowest of days. After feeling a sense of mutiny and revolt on my “natural carefree hiking-self” this night, I cried in my tent reading my resupply card. Which…was a THANK YOU card.

-Paula (to myself) Aug 22, 2016

Be thankful and grateful for the place you are TODAY! You’re at MTR. Easy? No! Worth it? YES! You’re a strong and courageous woman. Keep remembering to look up and out at God’s unbelievable creation! ~I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the Lord most high. O Lord, our Lord how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the Heavens. Ps 7:17-18:1 Amen. Happy Trails Paula

And from G

-My PJ, Where you are right now, STOP, sit down if possible and be still. Now imagine one of those kisses we do where we breathe in that deep breath. Close your eyes and do that now. Breathe in this amazing world and life God has given us. Exhale, deep and full. Open your eyes and kiss the beautiful sky. Enjoy the journey and all that it is. Love, G xoxo

I popped out of my tent to talk to my camp partner K and told her I was sorry. Sorry if I was quiet the entire day. Sorry if I seemed out of sorts, but also that I recognized I was like I said, a fish out of water on this hike. I read her the Thank You note, she cried.fullsizerender

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Put a cape on a woman and she will SOUR (K with her pack cover on that made her look like Super Woman)

Seldon Pass- We got caught in a thunderstorm. Tons of rain and hail coming down. We broke out our rain gear and pack covers and hunkered down for a while, not being able to get over the pass due to lightning. The last thing we wanted was to be atop a 10, 898 pass with lightning overhead. Once we realized that the rain and hail weren’t going to let up, we continued on. We still weren’t in danger of the top at this point. We had the opportunity to meet the sweetest couple while taking our little rain break. It was their 50th (yes, FIFTIETH) wedding anniversary. They told us that they were meant to hike the entire JMT in 1969, just 3 years after they were married. There was record snowfall in the Sierras that year and they had to postpone their hike. Well, like life sometimes does, it takes a turn and gets in the way of the best-laid plans. She explained that careers, kids, moving, houses, PTA, soccer games, gymnastics, football, swim meets, diving headfirst into family life, etc took precedence. What an incredible story of never giving up on a dream that they made as newlyweds. They FINALLY made it! A little later than expected, by 40-some years, but they kept their dream alive, and made it happen. I hiked with that story floating around in my head all day. It made me miss my hubs, as we are big dreamers and have been since we met. I cannot wait to kiss that man straight on the mouth when I see him!fullsizerender

img_55848-23-16 Made it up and over Silver Pass. Eleven passes in 17 days. Silver seemed easy for some reason. Maybe because it’s a shorty at just 10,754 ft. Or maybe it’s because we are on track to reach Red’s Meadows in 2 days. We camped at Duck Creek and as my pasta Primavera cooks my mouth is watering for a cheeseburger at Red’s. We got to camp early enough today to do laundry. ALL of it, including my night clothes. Thank goodness. PeeEw!

Start my JMT journey from the beginning HERE